Started writing in a tangible journal,
the one Sarah got me for my birthday.
It's only about, oh, 5 months later.
I'm really liking it already though.
Sarah really did get an extremely great gift.
I already told her how I'm paying her back though ;).

This is the story of Justin McClain. Hopefully no one who reads this is a close friend of his, but even then I really wouldn't care. I'm sure everyone has someone that they always go back to. A sort of on-again, off-again kind of relationship. Justin just happens to be mine. I'll try to tell the whole sordid story, since I've never really told that many people the WHOLE story. I wrote this super tiny since it's so long...I wouldn't want to annoy people :P

We actually met in Freshman Year (though I'm sure he doesn't remember that). I was in ISC and we were doing one of those carwash fundraisers. I was doing the whole 'hold the sign and entice customers in!' thing. and he was the weird stranger who offered me gummy worms out of the blue. (Little did I know that he was Ms. McClain's youngest son :P). I officially met him Sophomore Year when he transferred from Oly to Bremerton High. We were both in Mr. Jones' second period, and since Melissa and Laura talked to him, so did I by default. He actually turned out to be pretty witty and sweet, IF a little stupid (socially) at times. The weird stuff began at Shannon's Birthday Party. He 'came out' (no one's sure if he's straight, bi, gay, or w/e), and Josh Gould said he could tell the whole time. Naturally everyone was surprised that all-American Justin is gay, so we all just chose not to believe him. That is, until I started to talk to him... just me and him. I remember the weird like-triangle that went on (I refuse to say love because no deep feelings were involved). Josh liked him and REALLY liked me, I sorta liked Justin, and no one knew who Justin liked. Sounds like a horrible plotline of some movie huh? I know right. Anyways Justin ended up telling me he liked me, which I STILL didn't believe (hah! I need to be that kind of Vince again), until I forced him to ask me out. I am sad to say that I accepted. (He was one of the sweetest guys I've dated so far though). We went out, did couple-y things, even double dated with someone. (I'll just say that in bed there's no doubt he likes guys in some way). The relationship just...lacked something though. I'm guessing it was a lack of a lot of feelings. Like we liked each other a bit, but the sex was the main thing in the relationship. Screw-feelings-when-there's-passion kinda thing. I ended up breaking up with him because I liked another guy. Well..scratch that, I TRIED breaking up with him when the feelings for the other guy started to develop, but he said that he didn't care. (there's some confidence for you :P) I ended up being around the other guy A LOT though.. even sleeping in the same bed as him. Nothing happened though...except that I kinda sorta found out the other guy liked me? Yeah, 'complication' is the word to describe my life. I broke up with Justin the next time I saw him because I didn't want to become a cheater. Justin just didn't want to hear it though. Justin ended up transferring back to Oly after Junior Year so we just lost contact. As of recent though...Justin decides to start texting me again. He doesn't want a relationship, but the whole friends-with-benefits things works for him. It's kind of a compliment that I could keep him around like that, that'd sexually I'm the one driving him crazy out of everyone, but there's a reason we broke up. "Everyone wants to feel special" though... ever see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist? Remember how Norah kept going back to Tal (her exboyfriend) because sometimes she just wanted to feel loved? That's exactly how I feel. Those times when I'm feeling all down, then he texts me wanting to talk to me out of everyone else on his contact list. It's sort of a cheering thought. I know that he isn't thinking that when he texts me though.. he's just still chasing the sex I won't give him. I keep him around for those texts though... pathetic huh? :/ This is just why the subject of 'Justin McClain' irritates me, and no one really knows it.

Thank god I have my sort-of Kilian now though :),
Not as trust-worthy since he disappears every now and then,
but definitely here to stay.

"You have to be cold to do this. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off, so her daughter Elizabeth made a vow to never marry a man, she married her country." Oh Leighton Meester, how I love you. That quote just speaks to me. I don't very well have a country of mine, but I do have other major responsibilities. Time to step it up, I need to stop surrounding myself with failure. Asuncions do better than this, Asuncions don't setttle. That fire in my gut is back, look out world.

Sometimes I just get super sad,
and wish I could dance.

I know that sounds really odd and maybe unexpected,
but watching So You Think You Can Dance makes me feel so....unexpressioned.
I totally made up that word,
but I can't draw my feelings, I can't sing them, and I can't write them out.
I've been told I'm a great speaker and write interesting journal entries,
but to me it's not the same.
I want to be able to be alone in a room with just some music,
and I want to be able to just vent, express, and DANCE things out.
I think I'll take some contemporary dance classes when I actually have free time and cash haha.
I'm taking Ballroom Dancing with Kat, Brooke, Phoebe, and I think Rosie and some others.
I guess it's a general step in the right direction? haha

this Friday!

Sometimes I think I'm going in the wrong direction. I mean, throughout my educational career I've kind of steered myself towards communications and journalism, but as I get closer and closer to my ultimate goal, it doesn't look as appealing. I mean, I guess I don't really see myself as having the type of personality that would be required in such a field, or even really wanting to do it at all. I mean, I more or less chose it because it syncs up with something I do fairly well and is a type of skill that can be applied virtually anywhere,

The more I look at it though, the more I think it's not the right way for me to go. When I see myself in a fulfilling career, it's not in journalism, it's in astronomy. Maybe it's just because I'm a giant nerd, but stuff like stars and planets and galaxies just fascinates me. I mean, I suppose I could veer towards a major in physics and a minor in astronomy, instead of where I'm currently going. I'm not making any big decisions yet, but it feels right to me. I've never really been a brilliant mathematician, hell, I didn't even take physics in high school, but I think that if I really want to do better I can. I always kind of treated stuff like math and science as something I just had to do to get by, but if I change how I feel about it I can probably do better.

I mean, so far I've gotten 4.0's in both of the Astronomy classes I've taken, so that front is looking good. I know it won't be easy, (though perhaps not the true extent of what I'd be getting into) but I feel like I should at least try. They always say you go into college to really find out what it is you want to do, and at times I think I may have found what that something is.

1. (ADJ.) Strange or unusual
2. (NOUN) Liking someone of the same sex.

I. Really. Hate. Gay. Guys.
I know I have a bunch of posts like this,
but god damn it they just irritate me.
I guess it's mostly because they remind me of who I used to be.
The me who I'm embarrassed to look back on.

I hate that just because gay people only represent like 2-3% of the US,
they decide to give up their dignity.
(A/N: "Oh I can't find a guy to date within my own city,
I think I'll sext with someone who lives in New York because I'm so lonely.")
OR when gay guys try SO HARD to fit in.
I know I'm being super presumptuous,
but I just don't see any gay guys around who strike any kind of interest in me.
The above being why I don't find them attractive.
I bet this is why I always find straight guys so bomb haha.
That...quiet confidence.
This will probably bite my ass as I try to date,
but I really don't want someone so easy.
I don't really have the greatest dating record (understatement of the year haha),
but I know I'm worth more than that.
I really think I can wait on dating till college.
I'm more than happy with my friends (:

I wish I brought Advent Children from home so I didn't have to watch this crappy version online. It's been a while since the last time I watched this. I'm surprised, but actually pretty proud to say I don't really need the subtitles anymore.. I guess I did learn something :]


On a somewhat related note: